The wind whistles in the luxurious greased-up hair of Andrea Haltertop, vampire C.E.O of The Bank. She also whistles a merry tune, so high that only dogs and sheep can hear. For far too long, this neighborhood has been lapsed on its property taxes, and The Bank is here to collect. To Andrea, the world is just a collection of title deeds, dollar signs, and lives that are also dollar signs.
Andrea is never alone, just like anyone who can afford to pay for company. Her Bank-Owned Battlebarge, the Fatcat, is bedecked with a collection of Vampire Underwriters and Skeleton Thralls. A Stretch Hearse piloted by a Thrall rockets alongside the barge on the ground, and scuttling forward to keep her numbers straight is the Accountant, thirty-seven percent vampire and one hundred percent brain.
Target number one: The King Snake and its army of Baby Snakes need to pay up seven thousand years of back taxes for this Ancient Snake Shrine. The treasure chest locked inside, and its bundle of green transparent gems, should cover the difference.
Target number two: this Abandoned Outpost, now tended to only by sheep (not psychic), has a crate of old treasure beneath it. The outpost itself can burn for all Andrea cares (and it probably should because the Bank still has an insurance policy on it).
But the true prize lies past the Rusty Gate and the Implied Wall that stretches out on both sides of it. A pirate skeleton and a ghost keep watch.
A late-period Zeltardian Mansion has become home to a group of Monster Squatters!
And the leader of them all (by virtue of being the laziest and squatting there the longest) is none other than a fellow vampire - Andrea's own sister, Driscilla Haltertop!
Deep within the house, a bright red book on carnivorous fungi holds the deed to the house. Only one Haltertop will walk (or fly) away from this with the deed in hand.
Goal for the Vampires From The Bank (SirSporktimus): Claim the Snake Shrine Treasure, Abandoned Outpost Treasure, and Title Deed to the Mansion.
Goal for the Monster Squatters (EldritchHipster): Destroy all the Vampires From The Bank to continue squatting.
The Snake King begins by surging forward and delivering a spray of acid towards the Fatcat!
It aciderates one of the Bank Vampires instantly!
The Pirate Skeleton and Ghost open the gates to allow Guillermostein's Monster to drive his automobile through.
Driscilla, eternally lazy, doesn't move from the doorstep, but instead casts a powerful psychic spell...
Exerting her dire influence over her sister's Skeleton Thrall!
Out of control, his skeleton foot stamps the accelerator!
Sailing up the stairs of the abandoned outpost...
...and high into the air!...
Coming down in fire and glory on the pile of tires!
The noise scares the baby snakes and they climb up onto the shrine.
The gunship sails forward and opens fire on the King Snake, but it rolls obnoxiously high on its armor, reducing its ten inches of health by only two.
Andrea hops down - with the vampires already down two minifigures, she needs to replenish the horde. She attempts to bite the sheep, turning them into Vampire Sheep!
But it fails and they bite her instead.
King Snake attempts to rip the ship-controlling spellcauldron off the Fatcat, but can't quite swing it.
The baby snakes slither down to greet the opposing Accountant. They don't know what they're doing! They absolutely DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. They are only baby snakes. However, they slither into its servos and notebooks...
Gaining absolute control over its body!
It critically succeeds on sprinting twice, running straight into Andrea Haltertop and rolling 11 damage against her, killing her instantly. Her attempts to redshirt vampires from the Fatcat are met with dismal failure. They don't get paid enough for that.
The Wherewolf hops in the abandoned boat...
And Admiral Skeleton shoots the Water Main...
So he can have a nice little sail!
Meanwhile, King Snake attempts to bite the Fatcat's pilot, but misses, instead wrapping his mouth around the Bank-Owned Power Cannon, which immediately fires.
The Bank-Owned Power Cannon ALSO critically fails, resulting in its imminent explosion.
The Squatting Tree runs through the gates with his little bow and arrow.
The Fatcat manages to open fire one more time, killing Guillermostein's monster and causing his automobile to veer into the abandoned outpost.
But King Snake is able to finish biting everyone on board, taking all hands off of the Spellcauldron that controls the ship!
It crashes beside the outpost. Only two Vampires had managed to leap to the ground before it crashed!
As the last two Vampires From The Bank move to grab the Outpost's treasure crate, King Snake misses his chomp.
One vampire gets fullbody tackled by a ghost (who was bailing after a critical fail caused the outpost's decorative polearm to come swinging down on him), and another gets his bosses' Uzi shot out of his hand by the Admiral Skeleton way offscreen, causing him to be set on fire. Vampires hate that. (Property damage, that is). The downed vampire does behead the ghost, reducing the number of squatters by... one? The vampire on fire burns to death.
The last Vampire From The Bank doesn't stand a chance against King Snake!
All Vampires From The Bank are Dead. Monster Squatters Can Continue To Squat! EldritchHipster wins!
"Godddddd," says Driscilla. "Did she really have to wake me up for this? Hope you think twice about bugging me again when you respawn in your comfy coffin, sis. See you in hell or later this week or whatever."
"At least this should keep the property values down."
