A mysterious airship was rumored to have crashed and broken up on a remote plain somewhere.
What brave souls would venture upon it first? What rich treasures lie in waiting for those with the wherewithal to take them? What the heck is that Megabloks crap doing there?
Who cares!?! Let’s FIGHT!!!
Indeed: very shortly, two mighty armies squared off across the shattered airship. Any inkling of profiteering left their dull plastic eyes the moment they caught wind of each other. A great undead wizard and his royal guard, leading a horde of undead footsoldiers, bolstered by troll archers, and an elite cadre of troll cavalry atop undead steeds stood at one end of the plain.
Across the field stood Asstan’s father and his haughty bodyguard. Revenge for the death of his son burned so brightly in his eyes that his footmen feared his head might melt. A rabble of archers and a gaggle of mounted knights stood impatiently, chomping at the bit, eager to get their fight on.
Forgetting the first tenet of military discipline: roll more 6s than 1s, the yellow hero bellows his rage and his forces scatter in seemingly random directions! Revenge shall be his! Plastic shall be slain! No mercy shall be shown!!
The evil wizard whips his forces into squads, urging them forward with the taste of his whip. Actually, he didn’t have a whip. But he kept threatening to loosen his belt and whack anyone if they got out of line. Therefore, with great discipline, the troll archers advanced as one into cover. The Skeleton hordes joined lockstep, and advanced as a massive wall of plastic bones. The troll cavalry tore left with the speed of plastic lighting, and the thunder of their plastic hooves was great!
Although the uninitiated might fail to see the great plan unfolding before them, the humans split their cavalry: both rushing to meet the mounted troll menace, and hoping to round the ruins of the airship, and cut the defenseless undead foot soldiers down where they stood. Some random human archer climbs a tower way in the backfield as part of the rearguard action. His name was Terrance. He’d recently lost a lot of money on the stock market, and really wasn’t feeling himself that day. So I’m not really sure what that was all about.
The troll archers hold the center, and take their first shots. Hey look! Is that one of those newfangled Collectible Forest Man Minifigs back there? Let's kill it first!!
Combined evil fire brings down the first evil victim, Collectible or not!
And then, the human vanguard collides with the troll cavalry! Well, sort of! The poor blue knight misses his charge by 1”, and the red knight rolls a 1 on his attack die!
The trolls do not return the favor, slaughtering the Red Knight with some wicked gang up action, and the Blue Knight flees in panic. The Undead have torn it up on their left flank! It's wide open! Scattered archers and foot soldiers panic, as they realize they are no longer protected from the raw, unadulterated plastic death that was about to steamroller them. Not even that giant, fleshy, panic-stricken hand could protect them!
Jean Louis, the Collectible Forest Man Minifig proves his worth, by inflicting the first casualty on the monstrous horde, threading the needle and slaying a troll archer. Brilliant!
The centers clash, but the troll archers have inflicted terrible casualties on the poor yellow minifigs as they ran across the plain.
The crafty humans sneak around their left flank unopposed. Those troll archers look like they're ready for a stompin'.
Another troll archer falls! A spectacular charge, multiple 6s, and 27 points of damage slay him, like, totally.
As the undead rush a squad of foot soldiers to (successfully) plug the new hole on their right flank (by killing the crap out of the mounted knights and foot soldiers who so devoid of honor, snuck around that direction), the centers meet, the heroes join the fray, and the human line wavers. Too many 1s rolled does not a battle win!
The troll cavalry, on the other hand, are having a field day in the human’s rear. So to speak. Jean Louis, the Collectible Forest Man Minifig, cries out in anguish “But I’m coooooolleeeeeeectible!” This only inspires greater bloodlust on the part of the trolls at his throat.
The battle roils on in the center, with neither side able to administer the final punch to the other. Suddenly, the undead king loosens his belt with the intent of laying down some smack proper-like, and his forces quickly rally. In a classic pincher move, the remaining troll cavalry swing round and crush the King and his royal bodyguard.
A few hours later, the Undead Wizard finally convinces one of his less skittish minions to scale the tower and cut down Terrance, who’d been cowering there, totally refusing to come down and die like a Lego.
