Assault on Goatse Bunker
Moderators: BrickSyd, Kommander Ken, Duerer, Elmagnifico
Good news everyone! Remember how I said I wasn't going to do a hundred turns this week? I lied.
The burnt Akkadian is pissed off and decides to return to his original mission: killing Mandalorks. Just before the Matey and his brick sink into the lava forever, the Akkadian jumps across and stabs himself on a spike. This pisses him off even more and he chops off the spike with his axe. Now he has an axe and a spike.
(Apologies to everyone who was trying to grab spikes before, but you were all trying to do it with your bare hands vs. the spikes' 1d10 Armor.)
Shitgoats continue beating up the Vol. Even against three opponents, the armed Vol manages to parry everything that's thrown at him - until the final Shove sends him into the drink. The Vol atop the wall gets pushed down, but at the wrong angle to put him in the lava.
The final Vol picks himself up, grabs the dying Vol's sword, and uses his Angry Inch to jump back up on the wall again, finally cutting down one the Shitgoat that knocked him off in the first place.
Without any new orders, the Mandalorks continue firing at the HDISW Men. They don't hit any, but they do hit the HDISW Man's turret, destroying it.
Note to everybody: it'd take a Mechanik to repair it or set it back up again, and none of you have one, so it's not going to be much use as a gun for anyone.
Bad turn for the Brikians - the one stuck in the defensive spikes is still stuck, and the one who was still on fire burns to death. The Matey in the spikes manages to barely extricate himself and get up onto the island, but not far enough to reach the Beer.
Sir Pablo's Men say "Hold! Our battling isn't helping either of us get the Beer! Let us -" THWACK! Off goes his head. The Necromancers are beyond all reason, out of their minds with despair. They grab blades from their fallen comrade and kill a second Pablo's Man.
The two remaining knights strike back; the Peesaber knight fails, but the knight in back picks up two heads and beats a Necromancer to death with them.
The Blurans attack the Tanaris, managing to shove one into the lava; the Tanaris fight back, shoving a Bluran into the lava on the other side.
The FELC with two weapons gives one to his comrade and they attack the double-weapon Bluran together. He goes down, and they each take one of his weapons.
Up on the island, one FELC climbs up to take control of the machine gun, while the other moves up from barely jumping over the pit and grabs the Beer.
FELC HAS THE BEER
Since they didn't have any orders for what to do once they got the machine gun and Beer, they just stand around congratulating themselves. "Damn we are so cool right now!"
The Old Dudes are jealous.
Old Engineer: "I need to get my hands on a big gun like that!"
Old Paper Salesman: ":twss:"
They decide to take the Mandalorks' gun rather than anger the FELC. They run over to kick the orks off. One of the orks has prepared a Shove of his own as a Response Action, but he misses, and the engineer kicks him down where he dies on a spike. The paper salesman kicks off the other ork onto the spikes as well, but this ork manages to survive.
The paper salesman gives his knife to the engineer, and takes control of the gun turret.
Three of the Steampunk Engineers grab onto the wall and use it as a giant battering ram to smash a Big-Boobed Girl. They almost hit, but not quite. The Engineer with the monkey wrench tries to bash another Girl's head in, but she Parries with the hairbrush.
In response, the Girls make an all-out attack. One jumps up on the wall to kick an Engineer in the head, but fails to knock him in the lava. The redhead grabs a decapitated Engineer head from last turn and chucks it at them, but misses. The brunette clicks the hairbrush into her strapon harness (of course she has a strapon harness, she's a brunette), and jumps in to hump the wrench-swinging Engineer to death. He parries; no one on either side is harmed.
The Doctor McNinjas make a run for the Beer. The one still out on the rim makes a crazy dash up the Yodas' heads, rolling enough Bonus Dice on his Sprint Roll to launch himself all the way into the pit to land on the dolly that once held the Beer.
The Space Commies press forward, but three of them roll ones and fall into the lava, including the one who just survived falling into the lava the turn before. All three die. Luckily, the two that survive are the ones carrying the weapons: the Hammer of the Proletariat, and the McNinjas' bone saw.
Now I have to apologize to the Mateys, because they wanted to build a catapult on the first turn and I told them they couldn't. But, I was reviewing the Field Construction rules and I figured out that I'd been doing a couple of things wrong, and a brick catapult is totally possible.
Three of the Gamma Corps troops pull the bridge back and start constructing a makeshift catapult. The Gamma Corps troop carrying the dead Yoda loads it into the catapult for a test fire.
The two remaining Corpsmen jump on the other end of the catapult arm, launching the Yoda corpse across the lava crust. Success! But they can feel the arm sink underneath them, and almost fall into the lava. Seven things to note:
The Vikings want that Beer, but they don't think they'll be able to keep it if they get it. So instead, they shove the FELC and his Beer over the edge.
He lands on the Akkadian. Lucky for both of them, the Akkadian had just removed the spike from his area, so neither of them takes any damage.
The Ninjas try to run up the Yoda bridge, shoving Yodas out of the way as they go. But even ganging up two to one, they fail to dislodge the tenacious Yoda in the back.
The Yodas ignore this provocation and continue heading towards the Beer.
The Boy Scouts take off their soft, sock-filled canvas backpacks and start beating the Peach Raiders with them like it's a fluffy pillow fight. "WTF?" say the Raiders. While they're distracted, Scoutmaster Haken grabs the dead Boy Scout head and tries to kill one of the raiders with the head and his knife, but fails.
The Raiders see that knife and want it for themselves, so they beat him to death with their severed heads and take the knife.
Glenn continues beating one of the Racist Stereotypes in the face with his camera, until he finally dies. "That's the American Dream! Because I love America!" Glenn says, and starts crying. He reaches down to steal the dead Stereotype's chicken leg, but Rush slaps him.
"What are you, a socialist? Trying to redistribute the wealth? I'm taking that chicken leg for myself. That's the REAL American Dream. Pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps." Rush takes a giant bite out of the chicken leg, flinging slobber everywhere (probably due to poor motor control from illegal painkillers). Glenn cries some more.
In the background, a KKK Blue DSM continues swording a Stereotype, with no real effect.
The other KKK Blue DSMs continue building their bridge, while the Black DSM jumps up out of the lava to slam into a UNDF troop. The UNDF troop is set on fire, flies backwards, and breaks through the lava where he is set even more on fire. And dies.
The final UNDF troop tries to run up the KKK's bridge. One of the Blue DSMs hits him with a brick on his way past, but it doesn't stop him.
In a ridiculous series of die rolls, the two Cosplayers whack the FALX Death Seeker with all four of their weapons, but he Parries two of the attacks with his brick and the total damage ends up being insufficient to kill him. Meanwhile, the Jesus Clones push both the remaining Space Mall Cops into the lava. "For God and space probes!" The first is killed, but the second lands on the first, and manages not only to survive but to avoid being set on fire as well.
Coming off of his ridiculous success, the FALX troop tosses his brick aside and shoves a Cosplayer into the lava. But she survives!
The two FALX on the island have some fine options: one has got control of a machine gun turret, and the other is standing right next to a Red DSM corpse holding a free weapon. What will they decide to do???
Rather than firing the gun or taking the weapon, they decide to pick up the corpse and use it as a battering ram, Charging at the Akkadian who already died last turn. Hey, don't ask me.
But on the way to the dead Akkadian, they run into a number of guys, and roll a crazy amount of Bonus Dice in the process. A Viking, a McNinja, and a HDISW Man are all knocked all the way off the island and over to the lava crust, and the Viking and McNinja are killed outright. The HDISW Man survives, but he is both Disrupted and also extremely surprised.
What does the Metal Warrior do after rocking so hard that he becomes a Hero of Metal? He uses his Heroic Feat to rock even harder, of course. The metal is so astounding that the nearby skeletal fingers rise up to throw the horns. It is totally metal. Even the Jesuses consider worshipping Satan for a moment.
The fingers rise higher, but the hand and wrist were not designed to support horn-throwing, and after a few seconds they crumble. One of the fingers lands on a HDISW Man corpse and burst it like a water balloon.
The last Space Mall Cop hops up off the burning corpse and decides it's time to get the hell out of there. He runs across the newly-formed finger bridge.
That's everyone I had orders for! Ready for new orders.
The burnt Akkadian is pissed off and decides to return to his original mission: killing Mandalorks. Just before the Matey and his brick sink into the lava forever, the Akkadian jumps across and stabs himself on a spike. This pisses him off even more and he chops off the spike with his axe. Now he has an axe and a spike.
(Apologies to everyone who was trying to grab spikes before, but you were all trying to do it with your bare hands vs. the spikes' 1d10 Armor.)
Shitgoats continue beating up the Vol. Even against three opponents, the armed Vol manages to parry everything that's thrown at him - until the final Shove sends him into the drink. The Vol atop the wall gets pushed down, but at the wrong angle to put him in the lava.
The final Vol picks himself up, grabs the dying Vol's sword, and uses his Angry Inch to jump back up on the wall again, finally cutting down one the Shitgoat that knocked him off in the first place.
Without any new orders, the Mandalorks continue firing at the HDISW Men. They don't hit any, but they do hit the HDISW Man's turret, destroying it.
Note to everybody: it'd take a Mechanik to repair it or set it back up again, and none of you have one, so it's not going to be much use as a gun for anyone.
Bad turn for the Brikians - the one stuck in the defensive spikes is still stuck, and the one who was still on fire burns to death. The Matey in the spikes manages to barely extricate himself and get up onto the island, but not far enough to reach the Beer.
Sir Pablo's Men say "Hold! Our battling isn't helping either of us get the Beer! Let us -" THWACK! Off goes his head. The Necromancers are beyond all reason, out of their minds with despair. They grab blades from their fallen comrade and kill a second Pablo's Man.
The two remaining knights strike back; the Peesaber knight fails, but the knight in back picks up two heads and beats a Necromancer to death with them.
The Blurans attack the Tanaris, managing to shove one into the lava; the Tanaris fight back, shoving a Bluran into the lava on the other side.
The FELC with two weapons gives one to his comrade and they attack the double-weapon Bluran together. He goes down, and they each take one of his weapons.
Up on the island, one FELC climbs up to take control of the machine gun, while the other moves up from barely jumping over the pit and grabs the Beer.
FELC HAS THE BEER
Since they didn't have any orders for what to do once they got the machine gun and Beer, they just stand around congratulating themselves. "Damn we are so cool right now!"
The Old Dudes are jealous.
Old Engineer: "I need to get my hands on a big gun like that!"
Old Paper Salesman: ":twss:"
They decide to take the Mandalorks' gun rather than anger the FELC. They run over to kick the orks off. One of the orks has prepared a Shove of his own as a Response Action, but he misses, and the engineer kicks him down where he dies on a spike. The paper salesman kicks off the other ork onto the spikes as well, but this ork manages to survive.
The paper salesman gives his knife to the engineer, and takes control of the gun turret.
Three of the Steampunk Engineers grab onto the wall and use it as a giant battering ram to smash a Big-Boobed Girl. They almost hit, but not quite. The Engineer with the monkey wrench tries to bash another Girl's head in, but she Parries with the hairbrush.
In response, the Girls make an all-out attack. One jumps up on the wall to kick an Engineer in the head, but fails to knock him in the lava. The redhead grabs a decapitated Engineer head from last turn and chucks it at them, but misses. The brunette clicks the hairbrush into her strapon harness (of course she has a strapon harness, she's a brunette), and jumps in to hump the wrench-swinging Engineer to death. He parries; no one on either side is harmed.
The Doctor McNinjas make a run for the Beer. The one still out on the rim makes a crazy dash up the Yodas' heads, rolling enough Bonus Dice on his Sprint Roll to launch himself all the way into the pit to land on the dolly that once held the Beer.
The Space Commies press forward, but three of them roll ones and fall into the lava, including the one who just survived falling into the lava the turn before. All three die. Luckily, the two that survive are the ones carrying the weapons: the Hammer of the Proletariat, and the McNinjas' bone saw.
Now I have to apologize to the Mateys, because they wanted to build a catapult on the first turn and I told them they couldn't. But, I was reviewing the Field Construction rules and I figured out that I'd been doing a couple of things wrong, and a brick catapult is totally possible.
Three of the Gamma Corps troops pull the bridge back and start constructing a makeshift catapult. The Gamma Corps troop carrying the dead Yoda loads it into the catapult for a test fire.
The two remaining Corpsmen jump on the other end of the catapult arm, launching the Yoda corpse across the lava crust. Success! But they can feel the arm sink underneath them, and almost fall into the lava. Seven things to note:
- 6. The catapult will have to be bigger if it's going to have the range to reach the center island, and that means that it'll need more people jumping on it for a proper launch.
7. There's not a lot of room at the edge of the table to move the catapult back, so you should think about building some bridge support to keep the guys jumping on the arm from falling into the lava.
The Vikings want that Beer, but they don't think they'll be able to keep it if they get it. So instead, they shove the FELC and his Beer over the edge.
He lands on the Akkadian. Lucky for both of them, the Akkadian had just removed the spike from his area, so neither of them takes any damage.
The Ninjas try to run up the Yoda bridge, shoving Yodas out of the way as they go. But even ganging up two to one, they fail to dislodge the tenacious Yoda in the back.
The Yodas ignore this provocation and continue heading towards the Beer.
The Boy Scouts take off their soft, sock-filled canvas backpacks and start beating the Peach Raiders with them like it's a fluffy pillow fight. "WTF?" say the Raiders. While they're distracted, Scoutmaster Haken grabs the dead Boy Scout head and tries to kill one of the raiders with the head and his knife, but fails.
The Raiders see that knife and want it for themselves, so they beat him to death with their severed heads and take the knife.
Glenn continues beating one of the Racist Stereotypes in the face with his camera, until he finally dies. "That's the American Dream! Because I love America!" Glenn says, and starts crying. He reaches down to steal the dead Stereotype's chicken leg, but Rush slaps him.
"What are you, a socialist? Trying to redistribute the wealth? I'm taking that chicken leg for myself. That's the REAL American Dream. Pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps." Rush takes a giant bite out of the chicken leg, flinging slobber everywhere (probably due to poor motor control from illegal painkillers). Glenn cries some more.
In the background, a KKK Blue DSM continues swording a Stereotype, with no real effect.
The other KKK Blue DSMs continue building their bridge, while the Black DSM jumps up out of the lava to slam into a UNDF troop. The UNDF troop is set on fire, flies backwards, and breaks through the lava where he is set even more on fire. And dies.
The final UNDF troop tries to run up the KKK's bridge. One of the Blue DSMs hits him with a brick on his way past, but it doesn't stop him.
In a ridiculous series of die rolls, the two Cosplayers whack the FALX Death Seeker with all four of their weapons, but he Parries two of the attacks with his brick and the total damage ends up being insufficient to kill him. Meanwhile, the Jesus Clones push both the remaining Space Mall Cops into the lava. "For God and space probes!" The first is killed, but the second lands on the first, and manages not only to survive but to avoid being set on fire as well.
Coming off of his ridiculous success, the FALX troop tosses his brick aside and shoves a Cosplayer into the lava. But she survives!
The two FALX on the island have some fine options: one has got control of a machine gun turret, and the other is standing right next to a Red DSM corpse holding a free weapon. What will they decide to do???
Rather than firing the gun or taking the weapon, they decide to pick up the corpse and use it as a battering ram, Charging at the Akkadian who already died last turn. Hey, don't ask me.
But on the way to the dead Akkadian, they run into a number of guys, and roll a crazy amount of Bonus Dice in the process. A Viking, a McNinja, and a HDISW Man are all knocked all the way off the island and over to the lava crust, and the Viking and McNinja are killed outright. The HDISW Man survives, but he is both Disrupted and also extremely surprised.
What does the Metal Warrior do after rocking so hard that he becomes a Hero of Metal? He uses his Heroic Feat to rock even harder, of course. The metal is so astounding that the nearby skeletal fingers rise up to throw the horns. It is totally metal. Even the Jesuses consider worshipping Satan for a moment.
The fingers rise higher, but the hand and wrist were not designed to support horn-throwing, and after a few seconds they crumble. One of the fingers lands on a HDISW Man corpse and burst it like a water balloon.
The last Space Mall Cop hops up off the burning corpse and decides it's time to get the hell out of there. He runs across the newly-formed finger bridge.
That's everyone I had orders for! Ready for new orders.
-
RunsWithLegos
- Official Duck
- Posts: 2245
- Joined: Mon Apr 19, 2010 6:45 pm
- Location: Boston, MA, USA
-
Moronstudios
- Mega Blok
- Posts: 1315
- Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2007 12:50 pm
- Location: Vancouver Island
- Contact:
DAMN, almost got it in the lava, almost!stubby wrote:The Vikings want that Beer, but they don't think they'll be able to keep it if they get it. So instead, they shove the FELC and his Beer over the edge.
He lands on the Akkadian. Lucky for both of them, the Akkadian had just removed the spike from his area, so neither of them takes any damage.
Looking for Vancouver Island players: http://www.brikwars.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1194
-
RagnarokRose
- u a MILLION wus and only then shall you become the MISTRESS
- Posts: 3941
- Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2008 7:03 pm
-
aoffan23
- You can nail me with your wood. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
- Posts: 2734
- Joined: Sat Jan 23, 2010 7:41 pm
- Location: Ottawa
Oh God, nobody make the other hand go away. I have a feeling that if no hands were holding it open, it would snap shut with extreme force, spewing lava-diarrhea all over and killing everyone.
Why did I think of that.
Why did I think of that.
Spoiler
Show
Tzan wrote:I agree with Warhead.Quantumsurfer wrote:I generally agree with TzanWarhead wrote:I agree with QuantumSmurfer.
-
RagnarokRose
- u a MILLION wus and only then shall you become the MISTRESS
- Posts: 3941
- Joined: Sun Sep 21, 2008 7:03 pm
If that Maniac beer falls in the lava the resulting explosion would be... bigger than you could imagine.
I just re-read the whole thing and had somehow missed out the post in page 16
sorry! The carnage was fuckin' awesome! Look at all the bodies around me, ok not all victims of the Necromancers but a fair portion none the less. AND an Aliens quote! My Ego is purring, now kill and kill again! Blood for the lulz!
I just re-read the whole thing and had somehow missed out the post in page 16
sorry! The carnage was fuckin' awesome! Look at all the bodies around me, ok not all victims of the Necromancers but a fair portion none the less. AND an Aliens quote! My Ego is purring, now kill and kill again! Blood for the lulz!