The final Vol sees that the end is near and makes the Vol death prayer.
"Lol there do I see my father.
Lol there do I see my mother, and my brothers and my sisters.
Crazy Uncle Lou is there too.
Lol there do I see the line of my people, all the way back to the beginning.
They're making fun of my haircut, the rotten geezers!
Lol they do call to me, between chortles.
They bid me take my place among them,
In the halls of Volhalla, where the brave may live forever!"
The Shitgoats combine forces to cut him down. His body sinks into lava.
VOL ELIMINATED
The final Ork makes a desperate leap for the Beer... and impales himself on a spike.
MANDALORKS ELIMINATED
Mandalork reinforcements arrive just in time to see this humiliating performance. Waugh, embarrassing!!
The last Matey takes the non-functional machine gun from the HDISW Man's cold, dead hands. (Because I forgot he was still alive, otherwise this would have been more difficult. Don't worry, he gets back up later.)
The Necromancers get over their earlier despair, and move into stage 2: Anger. They start kicking the asses of the remaining Sir Pablo's Men. One is cut down quickly; the other survives. He grabs a weapon from a nearby fallen Necromancer attacks back. The Necromancer he attacks doesn't even try to Parry, instead Counterattacking for all he's worth. The last Pablo's Man goes down.
SIR PABLO'S MEN ELIMINATED (AGAIN)
The Blurans shove the final Tanaris into the lava. Badly burned, he struggles on! Now is his chance to finally escape and make a run for the Beer!
He makes it two inches, then falls into the lava again. This time he doesn't survive.
TANARIS REBELS ELIMINATED
In the background, more Tanaris reinforcements arrive.
The FELC holding the Beer parries attacks from both the Akkadian to the left and the Brikian to the right, and manages to keep the Akkadian from destroying the Beer with his axe. In a desperate move, he throws the Beer to shore to protect it from the Akkadian - a difficult prospect, since he's taking a serious Skill penalty to throw a large object past his normal range.
Amazingly, he rolls all kinds of Bonus Dice and overshoots, nailing a Necromancer in the back of the head. (Seriously, the FELC roll sixes the way the Vol roll ones.) BONK!!! It's not enough to hurt the Necromancer, but it does knock him over.
FELC NO LONGER HAVE THE BEER
The FELC at the machine gun sees so many targets he can barely restrain himself from dancing with glee. He starts spraying bullets everywhere, ripping the armed Yoda, the Dr. McNinja in the center of the island, and one of the Vikings to shreds.
The FELC on shore see the Ewoks approaching and start laughing, remembering how easy they went down last time. They take a couple swings at the Blurans, killing one.
The Ewoks run forward to take down the FELC, along with the Bluran who's in the way. The Bluran gets shoved out on the lava crust, but doesn't break through; he's Disrupted and unharmed. The FELC holds his ground.
The men of the 45th Union are Sprinting over to get into the action, shoving their way in between the Tanaris and Crazy Horses.
The Old Dudes open up with the machine gun, missing almost everyone but managing to take out the final UNDF troop and to knock the gun-toting Matey back off the island and onto the HDISW Man.
UNDF ELIMINATED
Two of the Big-Boobed Girls work together to shove a Steampunk Engineer into the lava. As he screams in agony, the strap-on girl takes his wrench.
The third Girl leaps from the wall to a sinking tank trap to the skeleton horse to the machine gun, but she's unable to wrest control of it from the FELC firing it.
In a tits-for-tat move, the remaining Engineers join up to shove the Girl on the wall into the lava. She dies.
With all the minifigs locked up in combat, the Engineers' bridge is left open and unprotected, so the Crazy Horse reinforcements run across unopposed as they make a beeline for the Beer.
The two remaining Dr. McNinjas continue their Charge for the Beer, Shoving everyone they run into. The rearward McNinja slams into the corpse-carrying FALX, failing to budge them, but the McNinja in front plows straight through the Viking and sends him flying - a good handful of Bonus Dice sends him all the way across the lava to land only an inch short of the Beer.
The Gamma Corps finish upgrading their catapult to a Size 5" Launcher. But it takes all of them working together, and they don't have any minifigs left over to operate it. They call over to the Pyramidheads: "Hey, you guys want to test out our new catapult?"
"Um, DUH?" say the Pyramidheads, who excitedly pile on. The armed leader loads himself into the launch scoop while three of his frat brothers jump on the launcher arm. Zoom!
They aim for a spot at the very limit of the Launcher's range - all the way on the opposite side of the island, an inch behind the Disrupted Viking. Because the distance is so far, we won't make the Attack Roll and find out where he lands until next turn - I've put a little red "X" to mark the target location.
The Disrupted Viking stands up and grabs the beer. Only the Necromancers stand between him and the edge of the battlefield! Is victory at hand?
Nope. Still disoriented from landing on his head, the Viking continues his previous orders, which were to pour out the Beer for his fallen Viking homies. He turns around and chucks the Beer into the lava.
Unexpectedly, before the Beer touches the lava, flame-retardant foam starts pouring out from hidden nozzles on the keg. It seems that the Immortal engineers who designed the lava-generating keg defenses also thought ahead and made the keg lava-proof.
The force of the foam hitting the lava sends the keg flying! I rolled a random direction and a d10 for distance, and the keg shot back almost in the exact direction it came from - knocking over the Viking again and landing out on the lava crust.
On the opposite side of the island, the two remaining Space Commies Sprint forward and launch themselves across the lava, each giving the Middle Finger of the Proletariat to the sky as they do so. They are cut by the spikes but manage to survive.
Above them, the Ninjas climb over the bridge and try to pull the signposts out of the ground to use as weapons - no luck. They're rooted too firmly to pull out with bare hands, you'll need to use a weapon.
The armed Ninja tries to stab a Commie, but misses.
Now down to three, the Yodas pick up their fallen weapon and continue moving towards the Beer.
Tired of being pummeled with Boy Scout backpacks, the Peach Raiders see a pile of free weapons and Beer next to the Necromancers, and Sprint towards it.
As the KKK's Blue DSM continue krudely konstrukting their bridge in the background, the burning Black DSM makes a truly stupendous Sprint roll, tearing ass for eighteen inches of Bonus Dice to reach the Beer in a single turn!
KKK HAS THE BEER
... Then he dies from still being on fire.
KKK NO LONGER HAS THE BEER
The KKK's Blue DSM still on shore realizes that the reason he hasn't been able to successfully kill a Racist Stereotype is because he wasn't on TV. He abandons the Stereotype he was attacking to go stand in front of Glenn's camera. "Hi mom! Look at me!"
He attacks another Stereotype and rolls a 1. His mom is ashamed of him.
Bill jumps in front of the camera. "More shocking video of a black man viciously attacking innocent spacemen!" The rest of the Faux News crew heartily agrees that minority crime is a terrible problem.
The Faux News pundits berate the Racist Stereotypes. "Stop freeloading! You want to get ahead in America, you've got to work to support the system, instead of being parasites!" The Stereotypes lie down on the lava crust and let the Faux reporters walk all over them.
Supported by Racist Stereotypes as usual, Ann snaps angrily at them as she grinds her stiletto heels into the backs of their necks. "You should be more grateful! We're giving you a chance to participate, even though you've cone nothing to earn it!"
In the background, the Metal Warriors continue rocking out, and the Jesus Clones, I guess they form a moshpit or something, since I haven't gotten orders from either team in ages.
The Cosplayers keep trying to kill that FALX, with no luck. The burning Cosplayer jumps out of the lava to help, but Skill Penalties from being on fire prevent her from making a killing blow.
On shore, a resourceful HDISW Man picks himself up and grabs a nearby McNinja hood and Viking helment. Unwrapping the hood into a long cloth, and typing it to the helmet, he manages to construct a makeshift grappling hook.
Spinning the grappling hook around his head, he shouts, "Now THIS is how you shot web!"
He successfully throws it four inches, which ends up being about a foot short of the Beer he was aiming for.
The other HDISW Man says, "Hey! Remember when everyone thought I was dead earlier? Well I totally wasn't!" and takes back his machine gun from the Disrupted Matey. Turnabout is fair play, after all. He tries to swing it at the FALX like a baseball bat, but misses. They also prevent him from grabbing the sword from the Red DSM corpse.
One of the FALX takes the sword for himself and dumps the body, since the UNDF he was planning to throw it at was already killed by the Old Dudes. He stabs the HDISW Man in the face, killing him.
The FALX fighting the Cosplayers shoves the burning one right back into the lava; she dies this time, and he takes her weapons.
The sole remaining Space Mall Cop climbs on top of the finger and yells at everyone who's been trying to take the Beer and failing. "That'll teach you! No one steals Beer while I'm on the job!!"
Overview shot. The Beer is almost off the field, but who will be holding it when it clears the boundary?
