The UnMortal
The UnMortal is a story in the Immortal War storyline, told by Stubby in BR 2,011 Forum Thread. It tells the story of PedoNuker's arrival in the BrikVerse from the Nega-NegaVerse, and his first scheme to troll Warhead.
Contents
Act I: The Immortal Afterlife
"WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHO --"
"Awake at last. Welcome to the Afterlife!"
"Allow me to introduce myself. My na- - URK"
"Fuck you and your Afterlife, I'm Immortal."
"Huh, I hit him so hard he disintegrated. Now where the hell am I?"
"Suburbs as far as the eye can see. Looks like I'll be conquering my way out as usual."
"Immortals had an Afterlife too, once, until your Emperor invaded and destroyed it. What little remained was too weak to contain an Immortal's soul. But... I've fixed it!"
"Peachshit, to invade an afterlife He would have had to die first. Never happened! Anyway didn't I just kill you?"
"Of course you killed me! It's the Afterlife! Where am I going to go, Detroit?"
"I'd rip your face off if you had one, just to find the source of neverending bullshit streaming from your mouth. I'm not dead, just lost."
"I'm not strong enough yet to collect a full-strength Immortal soul. But I can gather your lost soul shards as they die, and bring them here to recombine them. Soon there'll be more of your soul here than in the original Warhead, and the rest of him will flow here naturally."
"I AM the original Warhead, shit-for-brains! I'm not a shard, and I'm not dead!"
"All shards think that. You were thousands of shards with thousands of deaths to remember, no wonder you've forgotten the details. But no need to worry about that! You're in the Afterlife now, you should stop and consider the advantages!"
"Welcome . . . to Momville??"
"Yes, Momville! The houses you saw in the distance are for moms. All the moms in the universe end up here, if they're hot enough. You see, in order to balance - "
"Enough talk! We can finish this conversation later. MUCH later!"
"Of course! We have all the time in the universe!"
Act II: Welcome to Momville
Soon, in a nearby house in Momville:
"HONEYS! DADDY'S HOME!!!"
(whistling)
". . ."
". . ."
"Hey, where are all the moms?"
"Oh, I killed them all. I would have mentioned it, but you ran off so -"
"WHAT! Why would you do that!?!?"
"Because, you see -"
"- HURK"
"Never mind, I'm not really interested."
"Wait a minute. If this is the Afterlife, wouldn't the moms reappear here?"
"I have a confession to make. I made up the Afterlife story to fuck with you. You really are the original Warhead, still very much alive. But I didn't realize the degree to which Momville would distract you before I could finish my joke."
"Your JOKE? Trying to convince me - wait. So there were never any moms here in the first place?"
"Oh there certainly were. Haven't you ever wondered why this universe contains so many soldiers and so few moms around to birth them? I've been scooping them all up, every last one. All the hottest moms, billions and billions of them, repopulated to this hidden colony."
"This is actually starting to sound like a good idea.
. . .
So where are they then?"
"I told you! Dead!"
"URK"
"You sick son of a bitch!"
"You don't understand. I have a project underway to clone the greatest scientific mind the universe has ever known, and I needed a significant supply of high-quality biomass to clone him in sufficient billions. I suppose I could have used cows or belugas or something, but you'd already made such advances in hot-mom-tracking technology, I just piggybacked on your signal."
"That's impossible, those signals are shielded with - wait a minute! You harvested the universe's entire supply of moms for RECYCLING?"
"As I said, into the greatest genius in history! His researches into Anti-Immortalium alone justify the sacrifice."
(random choking sounds)
POOF!
"President Austin of Nyphilis, known to some as the PandoraNuker! Working alone, he was on the verge of an Anti-Immortal breakthrough - now he numbers in the billions, spreading in all directions throughout space! One for every mom sacrificed! Except for the moms we used as food. PandoraNukers have to eat, after all."
"YOU -
SODDING -
MONSTER!"
(Shred) (Mangle) (Mutilate)
"Hey! It cost me two hot moms to make those!"
"You cuntphobic asswrecking fuckthatch! You want bioengineering? I'm going to rip off every one of those PedoNukers' ballsacks and graft them to your calcified crotch so you can feel it when I kick them through the top of your fucking skull!"
"Have you noticed, by the way, that each time you kill me my glow dies down a little more? Maybe this next one will be enough to do the job once and for all. Do you think?"
In an explosion of Undead Immortal rage, Warhead hacks the mysterious stranger to bits. The pieces do not disintegrate, and the stranger does not reappear. It seems that he's finally ready to stay dead this time. Despite the victory, Warhead is overcome with despair.
"All the moms, gone! And a universe full of pedonukers!
Noooooo!!!!!!"
